I have been praying over a big decision lately. I feel that either choice will include difficulties. Likewise, both choices seem to point to a bright future, since in all things I will be walking with the Lord. However - I can't say that I am completely neutral. I have a strong preference. Facing this decision has been haunting and taunting me for a few weeks now. For the second time, I tried to dedicate a week to doing more praying and less talking about the issue. My aim was/is to hear God's voice and to really seek His will in faith that He will reveal it to me. I also hoped that during this time He would speak the same thing to my wife so that after a week, when we discuss it, we will hopefully be sharing the same heart.
Here's the hard part - every single time I try to pray very specifically and diligently about the situation, every time I have it on my mind and take it to the Lord, the path ends in a feeling of depression, a knot in the gut and chest, a very heavy heart. I can't understand or imagine why. It seems like when I take things to the Lord, I should be completely settled and at peace about it. I'm sure that this torn feeling comes from the fact that in taking it to the Lord, I'm hoping for a particular outcome. My prayer is something like this "Oh God, please show me YOUR will for this situation, show me what you want us to do!" which is immediately followed by the thought of "oh I hope hope hope His will is option A. If His will is option B - I will be so sad and depressed by taking that path." I want to do God's will, but I also have my own will. I want to be a person who submits his will to the will of God, yet I so struggle with the fact that I desperately desperately want His will to line up with mine. And I know I know I know....my will is supposed to line up with His not vice versa. But I don't know how to get myself to that place. So in the mean time - I feel the knot, a bit depressed at the dilemma, a bit depressed at the possibility of option B, and then even more depressed by acknowledging the fact that I'm not just neutrally seeking His will - perfectly contented to do whatever it is that He wants but am instead hoping for option A. what to do? what to do? I'll continue to pray - though maybe feeling quite under a cloud, having all my smiles only ever comes from something shallow because beneath the surface I'm always torn and my default state is a state of sadness. But now I'm praying not only for God's will, but that my heart will be inclined to follow His will either way and that He will restore joy to my heart.
....sorry about this... it's not something new I learned today is it? it's just me whining....
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